Repeat Offender

Is it me, or will this monkey never pull it together? 70 years and hundreds of books later, he’s still can’t figure out he’s got a problem. Time after time, he turns life’s greatest pleasures (i.e. making pancakes or going to the zoo) into unfortunate chaos. When will he get into the swing of things? Even my three-year-old, who knows very little about restraint, rails against this monkey's poor decision-making. I’m here to say this: Don’t be fooled. Just because this monkey's got an innocuous smile and disarming good looks doesn’t mean he’s not capable of terrible things. People have done a lot less and ended up with 30 to life and a prison bitch. And notice how PETA has never defended him? We can't even chalk it up to OCD -- as I've yet to read Curious George and the Super Clean Doorknob. He needs an intervention, people -- and we can’t assume the Man with the Yellow Hat will pull it together. He still hasn’t figured out that yellow is just a seasonal color. Who's with me?

Who's Your Daddy?

Take a good look at this man: He’s the father of every child who has no resemblance to their parents. You’ve heard the joke: “Your child doesn’t look like you… what’s the milkman look like?” Fuck off. Not funny. One, because that’s a shitty way to tell me my wife’s been cheating on me using no protection whatsoever. Two, because milkmen haven’t existed for, like, 80 fucking years. Go with cable guy, so much more realistic.

Bird Droppings

So much for bird shit falling from the sky, now I have to contend with actual birds? Great. Today I was reading about how thousands of birds have plunged to their deaths inexplicably in Arkansas, Louisiana and now, Sweden. And we have no idea why. That’s reassuring. Usually, you have to screen a M. Night Shyamalan movie to induce such results. But here we are, wondering what the flock is up. Is this just one big elaborate marketing ploy to get people to download the Angry Birds app? And if so, what if I happen to get pummeled by Chicken Little on my way to the mailbox? Is that considered good luck? I might sustain blunt force trauma, but hey, at least years of good fortune await. What a relief.