Text Walking Violations

We’ve all had it happen. You’re walking, texting and then suddenly, face planting into a mall fountain. Okay, that doesn’t happen to everybody -- maybe just this woman. The point is, what did we do before texting? Just walk and look at stuff? Like nature? Cars speeding toward us? No fun. That could have all sorts of positive ramifications. Like low blood pressure. Survival. If you want to avoid such pratfalls into large, water-filled objects, maybe try an in-sight-full iPhone app such as Text Vision. It actually sees the manhole before you fall into it. That way, you can avoid the always ominous text, "BRB. Just fell into the earth." Never good.

There’s Never Room for This

JELL-O mold, what are you and why? It’s not so much that you’re named after something toxic. That I get. But more that you prance through this world resembling a dessert when in reality, you’re just a side dish. That’s right...a side dish. But here’s the thing: Who eats a side dish that sucks? Or one that trembles? Nobody likes food that's uncomfortable in its own skin. On your best day, you’re tolerated. On your worst, you're thrown up repeatedly. If I’m ever going to indulge, I'll tell you one thing: It will be for a lot of money. And on TV. And never in this life. Ever.