Barack Obama: Job Searching?

I find it interesting that Barack Obama keeps his LinkedIn profile updated. In between leading the free world and revolutionizing health care, is our chief exec keeping his options open? Also strange: notice how he has zero recommendations for any prior positions. What's with that? He says he’s been a “U.S. Senator” and “President,” but who’s going to vouch for it? He even fluffs up a paper-thin “Summary” section with lovey-dovey stuff about family. Employers see right through that stuff. It’s quite possible he’ll never get a job after he’s done spreading hope and change throughout the world.

Condiments Exposed

Sugar In The Raw. I need to ask -- what inspired brainstorm yielded this product name? I’m familiar with branding, and you should never need four words to describe sugar. What, was “Sugar” too conventional? And what’s with the innuendo? Sugar In The Raw sounds indecent, stripped down, like it should be embarrassed by itself. Totally unrefined. Was “Sugar au naturale” also in the mix? Because we both know, there’s nothing sexier than sugar.

Not the Brightest Bulbs

To honor the monumental global achievement that marked Earth Hour, I ask: Is this the best we can do? One hour every year? What about the other 8,759? How can we defeat climate change in just 60 measly minutes? And don't most people go out on Saturday nights at 8:30pm anyways? If one hour of darkness is the key to shedding light on our impending doom, we'll all be swimming to work in 20 years. Every hour = earth hour.

Biden's F-Bomb

It appears our VP is working hard at generating street cred with the senile-and-over set. Yesterday, our country’s #2 opened the health care signing ceremony like he was on a used car lot, yelling into Obama’s ear: “This is a big f-cking deal!” Not only is he great with volume control, but Biden’s ability to shout large expletives at key times could make the Shit My Dad Says guy blush. Better than that was Obama’s response, which was to quickly ensure that the two large microphones in front of him were indeed on -- and broadcasting to a nation of millions. Kudos, Joe. At least you ain’t droppin’ no H-Bombs. (PS. Best part of the story? The T-shirts have already been made.)

Pop Art

There’s nothing like a 19th Century nip slip to stop traffic. A few weeks back, while crawling across a major LA artery, I found my gaze lingering too long on a streetlight banner advertising the new Renoir exhibit at LACMA. I support the arts -- but isn’t there enough imagery being hurled at us from the side of the road? Must we also see two-thirds of a French breast on our morning commute? Honestly, I could barely finish my text message. On a related note, I can’t wait to see the new Renoir exhibit at LACMA.

Where’s The 7th Layer?

To prepare for “Taco Night” last weekend, my wife and I went shopping for a few Mexican specialty dishes. One thing that caught our eye was a 6-Layer Dip. Six??? What the hell happened to seven? Has the recession caused everyone to scale back? Or is this the price we pay for shopping at Pavilions from time to time? I’ll tell you, the difference is palpable. It’s like eating air.

Feline Forensics? WTF.

I have cats. They've never done anything productive. Like, ever. When I read today that they're now foiling criminal cases, I almost coughed up a Cheerio. Did I miss something? How did they squeeze in forensic training between 23-hour naps? I guess somewhere between vomiting up fur and power washing their genitals, they caught a segment of CSI: Wherever. Now, back to bed with you Fluffy.

Infant Massage, Really?

When did American babies get so stressed out? A recent article indicates that infants who receive massage from their parents are happier and healthier. Great to know newborns. You already have mom and dad waiting on you hand-and-foot, yet apparently, you're still too tense to unwind. What about your parents? Who the fuck's rubbing them?

Amber Alert: Grover

Mark Twain once said, "Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated." In Grover's case, not so sure that's true. Think about it. Since Elmo's emergence, there's been a notable drop in Grover sightings across kids TV. A classic case of missing persons? Or did Grover finally get snuffed out by the monster at the end of the book? If this goes to court, Grover v. Elmo will be one hairy 'He Said, Probably She Said.'

The Real Cost of Costco?

If I could just live long enough to make all my Costco purchases pay off -- life will be worthwhile. During my last trip to this consumer Mecca, I snatched up enough toilet paper, paper towels and AA batteries to wipe, dab and energize a small country. Here's the thing. I went in for, like, gum. And since when did an eight-pack of Windex become a household necessity? Last I checked, one bottle was enough to wipe out the problem. Too bad they don't sell bigger houses, because that's what you need if you're going to shop here.

The Toyota Grand Prius

Is a Prius safe for the environment if it's hurtling uncontrollably across a highway at 90mph? That's the question I pondered today while reading about a man whose Toyota landed him in a high-speed pursuit. When a cop finally caught up to offer more than just moral support, the man claimed his gas pedal got stuck -- fueling the obvious debate: Should Toyota eliminate the Sudden Acceleration package from its offerings?