I'm an Artichoke, Eat My Heart Out

Artichoke, who do you think you are? You may taste delicious when lathered up in a small farm’s worth of butter. But so much work. You may have a heart, but burying it beneath 68 layers of prickly leaves and a beard? That’s a prick move. Who has time for such foreplay – especially when the amount of edible substance on each leaf barely comprises the word “morsel.” You’re like the anti-Giving Tree. That tree gave everything. You? Nothing. A-hole.

Remember Five Minutes Ago

When did 9-year-old’s become nostalgic? After stumbling across this birthday card at the car wash, I was mystified. Why? Because you can’t get nostalgic when you don’t know what nostalgia is. You can’t fondly look back at a birthday – when it was yesterday. He just finished breastfeeding – and now he’s supposed to reminisce about it? Spare me the stroll down mammary lane. And, by the way, what a year to get misty-eyed for. 2001. Ah, such memories. The dot-com bubble bursting; the economy crashing; 9/11; the world ending. Fuck 2001. Let little Timmy focus on what’s important: like remembering where he put his Ritalin.

Out of Fashion

Rule 1: When you go to pick out a tie, maybe don't choose the one with all the Swastikas on it. When Byron Scott showed up to Cleveland Cavaliers media day wearing this little number, it understandably upset a few people. Who's supplying his wardrobe, Mel Gibson? And what, was the one with the blueprint for 9/11 still in the cleaners? In all fairness, Scott likely had no idea what was affixed to his neck. After all, he just a lost a war for Lebron and now has to lord over a team that will likely suck to the n-th degree. On second thought, maybe he's trying to get fired -- because wearing Nazi paraphernalia in front of hundreds of reporters, yeah, not smart.