Text Walking Violations

We’ve all had it happen. You’re walking, texting and then suddenly, face planting into a mall fountain. Okay, that doesn’t happen to everybody -- maybe just this woman. The point is, what did we do before texting? Just walk and look at stuff? Like nature? Cars speeding toward us? No fun. That could have all sorts of positive ramifications. Like low blood pressure. Survival. If you want to avoid such pratfalls into large, water-filled objects, maybe try an in-sight-full iPhone app such as Text Vision. It actually sees the manhole before you fall into it. That way, you can avoid the always ominous text, "BRB. Just fell into the earth." Never good.

There’s Never Room for This

JELL-O mold, what are you and why? It’s not so much that you’re named after something toxic. That I get. But more that you prance through this world resembling a dessert when in reality, you’re just a side dish. That’s right...a side dish. But here’s the thing: Who eats a side dish that sucks? Or one that trembles? Nobody likes food that's uncomfortable in its own skin. On your best day, you’re tolerated. On your worst, you're thrown up repeatedly. If I’m ever going to indulge, I'll tell you one thing: It will be for a lot of money. And on TV. And never in this life. Ever.

Career Turbulence?

I know times have been tough for Vinny Barbarino of late ... but a cameo in the Qantas Airlines safety video? Cake topper. Is this what happens when Look Who’s Talking 3 falls out of development? Couldn’t he even land Virgin Atlantic? The funny part is that like most of his latest films, the reviews are not good. After its premiere, a Qantas employee came out against it, calling it “tacky.” Frankly, it's just boring. Take a peek, it’s like watching a celebrity sex tape without the sex.

Run for Cover, Girl

If you're a model, how down in the dumps must you be to take this gig? I’m guessing her first words when she got home were not, “I finally got a cover!” Don’t get me wrong, I’m aware of creative compromise. For about a second, I considered writing porn once. But here’s the difference -- I didn't. Perhaps I’m being too presumptuous. Maybe this model did a stock photo shoot and thought she’d be a search result for “Exercise” on Getty Images. Then, in a slight ... yet unfortunate ... turn of events, she becomes the poster child for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I suppose it could be worse -- she could be this couple.

Screwing the Pooch

There’s nothing like taking your dog for a walk, but at what point is this little seaside stroll no longer fun for Fluffy? You gotta love her, she’s smiling despite doing her best impression of janitor's keys. More likely she's thinking, “Ever heard of a leash? Have you??” Maybe I’m overthinking things. Perhaps this dog’s perfectly fine being shoehorned into this woman's ass. I’m just glad she’s not letting the dog roam, because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that dogs hate to run.