I’ll Have the Carcinoma on White, Please

Mortadella, what the hell are you? That is, besides utterly mortifying? I ask because I prefer not to eat something that looks like it threw up all over itself. Here’s the thing: Lunchmeat shouldn’t have the consistency of John McCain’s taint. Or be crunchy. So please mortadella, stop bitch slapping me through the deli counter window. The experience is like being at the Miss Universe pageant – before Lisa Lampanelli shows up wearing a thong. Tasteless and ill-advised. Just say what you are, okay? Nitrites, rat droppings and whatever else can be jammed into that sleeve. Make no mistake, charlatan, you're fucking bologna.

Pad Choice

Pad Thai: If you could add just a bit more oil into your recipe – that would be great. It’s not enough that you induce three-day food comas. Or that while eating you, my cholesterol shoots up like Courtney Love at a rave. It’s more the pool of regret I feel in my soul after snarfing down a plate of you. Don’t get me wrong. You taste amazing. But so does a brick of fudge. And you don’t see me jamming that down my gullet on a weekday “lunch” whim. Just call yourself what you are: 1000 calories of self-hate. And PS. Since when did a pile of nuts become a garnish? Seriously. Nuts? Fuck off. And take your fat-filled Thai iced tea milkshake with you.

Nice Wainscoting

A few months back, someone complimented me on my wainscoting. After thanking them profusely, I quickly bee-lined to a Webster’s to look it up. There I discovered: It’s the lowest three feet of an interior wall. Interesting. But I need to ask: Who named this? And could it sound less like what it is? Because in my brain, wainscoting is a Beatles lyric. An Irish accordion cover band. A rainy town in Scotland where everyone speaks with a lisp. A forgotten friend from elementary school who oft got pummeled to the ground – Wayne Scoting. Why do we need so many letters to simply describe wood? It’s bewildering. Also too long a word.

Bigfoot's Carbon Footprint

Bigfoot's carbon footprint: Bigger than most or just average? I’m just wondering because I’m getting the distinct feeling we’re getting sidetracked with all this climate change talk. Can someone please ask the questions that matter? In terms of conservation, is Bigfoot doing his share? Is he composting? Has the hirsute beast gone to mulch? He may live in the forest, but how green is he really? We can’t let this fleet of foot furball fly under the radar. Oh and on an unrelated front, this Gulf oil spill...yeah, not good.