In Poor Taste

Dear Egg Nog,

It's been a while since I wrote and I just wanted to touch base to express how I was feeling about you this holiday: Not good. Who do you think you are? Holiday or no holiday, a drink shouldn’t be spreadable. You haunt my dreams with your audacity to exist; not to mention your eerie non-resemblance to anything edible. And your holiday card? (Pictured above) Not since The Shining twins have I seen a more startling duo. You’re like a cup of barf with a dash of nutmeg. An oral enema. Drano. Could you be any thicker? If I wanted a glass of tree sap, I would’ve just made out with a Fir. You’re even stiffer than Pepto Bismol –- ironic because that’s your most popular chaser. And Egg Nog Light? How dare you. That’s like cheesecake light. A 980 calorie drink. Awesome. You may think you go down smooth -- and you do, if you consider a chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire smooth. Please, just quit it. The holidays can be depressing enough.

Sincerely,

Not a Fan