In Poor Taste

Dear Egg Nog,

It's been a while since I wrote and I just wanted to touch base to express how I was feeling about you this holiday: Not good. Who do you think you are? Holiday or no holiday, a drink shouldn’t be spreadable. You haunt my dreams with your audacity to exist; not to mention your eerie non-resemblance to anything edible. And your holiday card? (Pictured above) Not since The Shining twins have I seen a more startling duo. You’re like a cup of barf with a dash of nutmeg. An oral enema. Drano. Could you be any thicker? If I wanted a glass of tree sap, I would’ve just made out with a Fir. You’re even stiffer than Pepto Bismol –- ironic because that’s your most popular chaser. And Egg Nog Light? How dare you. That’s like cheesecake light. A 980 calorie drink. Awesome. You may think you go down smooth -- and you do, if you consider a chainsaw wrapped in barbed wire smooth. Please, just quit it. The holidays can be depressing enough.

Sincerely,

Not a Fan

Arch Nemesis

Did you hear? There’s a shoe from Skechers that tones your thighs, strengthens your core, improves posture and helps you lose weight. Except, here’s the thing. It doesn’t. “Get in shape without setting foot in a gym” -- that claim puts the sketchy in Skechers. Only thing, you probably shouldn’t wear Shape-Ups while running or working out. Walking can even mess you up according to some medical experts. (You're not going to do that in these shoes, are you??) I'll tell you someone who won't be walking -- the people who are partaking in the class action suit that is steadily brewing. And having Joe Montana hock these? It’s just sad. My god, can someone please book this guy a celebrity appearance so he can stop doing...this? It's insulting my masculinity. Even you can’t make these fuckers look cool, Joe. Really, you can't.