Bonus “Uncut” Features

Want to watch a movie? Sure, let me just quickly open this DVD. Oh wait, that’s not gonna happen. Why? Because someone at the douche factory decided DVD packaging should be harder to crack than The Da Vinci Code. (Seriously, not one vulnerable crease?) Unfortunately, my son watching me battle this box isn't going to be entertainment enough.

One shred of loose plastic, that’s all I ask. And please, make sure that once I do finally penetrate this outer cloak of injustice, there’s an equally impossible strip of adhesive across the top that not even Edward Scissorhands could open.

Oh, wait, there’s already one? Perfect.

Jersey Snore

OK, here’s The Situation. Now that Jersey Shore's over, can we just call it what it was? Bad. I know it was a huge “hit” for MTV. And I know Snooki was just adorable underneath all the makeup and promiscuity. But I have to be honest -- this show lowered my WTL count. Will To Live. It was like The Sopranos without all that gooey stuff like plot and entertainment. It lowered the bar not just for TV -- but for humanity. It didn’t even have the intrigue of a social experiment. Social experiments are held together by more than just Aqua Net. And I’m pretty sure I contracted an STD just from watching it. Once. Now I hear it’s coming back for Season 2. That makes me want to fist pump myself in the face.