Amazon.wrong

Hey friends, I’m sort of on the fence about something and was hoping you could help. Which of these books would you like for the holiday? Knitting with Dog Hair or I Am the Market: How to Smuggle Cocaine by the Ton, in Five Easy Lessons? Amazon.com is selling them both and I’m thinking you’d probably like to receive one -- or both -- from me. I know they’re both right up your alley, no pun intended. (I mean, who doesn’t love canine couture or smuggling a kilo of coke inside their rectum??) There's also a quart of wolf urine that has suddenly just become available. Hmmm, so difficult to choose. No rush, just let me know when you get a chance...

He Doesn't Always Drink Beer

Few ad campaigns inspire me to write for them for free. But over the last few years, this one has titillated me to no end. So, on that front, here are a few things you might not know about The Most Interesting Man in the World:

Homeless people give money to him.

His house help works pro-bono.

Every James Bond movie is loosely based on him.

Flop sweat is beneath him.

Fidel Castro mails him Cuban cigars personally.

His farts sell for millions on eBay.

He's never worn a condom, but surprisingly, lives disease free and without children.

When he plays poker, he never bluffs -- yet always wins.

When he sleeps with your wife, you're flattered.

I'm an Artichoke, Eat My Heart Out

Artichoke, who do you think you are? You may taste delicious when lathered up in a small farm’s worth of butter. But so much work. You may have a heart, but burying it beneath 68 layers of prickly leaves and a beard? That’s a prick move. Who has time for such foreplay – especially when the amount of edible substance on each leaf barely comprises the word “morsel.” You’re like the anti-Giving Tree. That tree gave everything. You? Nothing. A-hole.

Remember Five Minutes Ago

When did 9-year-old’s become nostalgic? After stumbling across this birthday card at the car wash, I was mystified. Why? Because you can’t get nostalgic when you don’t know what nostalgia is. You can’t fondly look back at a birthday – when it was yesterday. He just finished breastfeeding – and now he’s supposed to reminisce about it? Spare me the stroll down mammary lane. And, by the way, what a year to get misty-eyed for. 2001. Ah, such memories. The dot-com bubble bursting; the economy crashing; 9/11; the world ending. Fuck 2001. Let little Timmy focus on what’s important: like remembering where he put his Ritalin.

Out of Fashion

Rule 1: When you go to pick out a tie, maybe don't choose the one with all the Swastikas on it. When Byron Scott showed up to Cleveland Cavaliers media day wearing this little number, it understandably upset a few people. Who's supplying his wardrobe, Mel Gibson? And what, was the one with the blueprint for 9/11 still in the cleaners? In all fairness, Scott likely had no idea what was affixed to his neck. After all, he just a lost a war for Lebron and now has to lord over a team that will likely suck to the n-th degree. On second thought, maybe he's trying to get fired -- because wearing Nazi paraphernalia in front of hundreds of reporters, yeah, not smart.