Thanks for Comin' Out...Goodnight!

Rainbow, you are so arrogant. You're like the celebrity cameo of natural phenomena. You make an appearance for a millisecond -- and then disappear for god knows how long. I snapped this picture of you last week in Hawaii -- and yes, your radiance was captivating. Then what? Gone. And to do what exactly? Rest up? Rainbow, even waterfalls have the dignity to stay around seasonally. You? You’re over it. Thanks for the breathtaking image, really, but I won’t hold my breath ‘til our next encounter. And btw, has anyone ever scored a pot of gold at the end of one of your luminescent bows? I’ve yet to read the headline, “Rainbow Sets Scuba Diver’s Family Up for Life.” For all the good press you get, how about a bullion every now and then you unbenevolent prick. You taunt me with your beauty. Now, off with you. The next millennium's right around the corner. Better get some sleep.

Penny Saver

I’ve witnessed some brilliant business plans in my day, but you take the stale, inedible Hostess cupcake, 98-Cents Store. Not only did you manage to fill people’s coffers with oodles of items they didn't need, but you also undercut your fiercest cross-town rival by a cent. Genius. And now I read that you’ve closed the door to your bargain basement for good? It just doesn’t make any sense. Was it the fact that nothing good in life costs 98-cents? Or the fact that, oddly enough, you also sold saunas for $1,500? 'Cause I know when I buy a napkin, I often tack on a hot tub for good measure. How could you shutter? I just don’t get it.

Cop Out

Since when did intimidation leave police work? While attending Game 2 at Staples Center on Sunday, I couldn’t help but notice the presence of our great LAPD officers working Chick Hearn Lane -- on Segways. One question: When did our men in blue all become Paul Blart? I applaud them for being so green, I do, but is this the impression we want to make on Boston fans who've been liquored up since leaving the womb? This is the city that gave us The Departed -- and we give them Ponch and Baker-lite? How do you accidentally taser a Paul Pierce fan from an electric vehicle? Or subdue a Kendrick Perkins fan -- just for simply being one? Call me old fashioned, but if this series goes to a 6th or 7th game, nightsticks and motorcycles are called for. I’ll even take a cop on horseback leaving piles of stank in its wake -- should a Rasheed Wallace fan plummet into it. Now, let’s man up, protect and serve, and steal the last one in Boston. And please put the Tonka toys away.

Rude Beach

Speedo Guy, you’ve got some stones. And not because you've put them on display for us. Because you could’ve gone to the nude beach, yet you respectfully declined. You think that “suit” from 1986 still turns heads? You’re right, it does. Away. You’ve single-handedly killed Smashball rallies; stopped whales from beaching; and once, even prevented the tide from coming in. Everyday’s your coming out party, my man -- which is why, thanks to you, so many choose to stay in.

May I interest you in something a little less revealing?