Rochambeau-shit

I have a gripe to file with the inventors of Rock-paper-scissors: Why does paper ever beat rock? Rock's strong, fortified, filled with sediment. Paper? Flimsy. A shadow of its former self. Paper should beat nobody -- especially rock. Did you see the way rock just annihilated scissors? Did you?? Let that be a message to you, paper. And newsflash: When did simply covering something denote victory of any kind? A jacket sometimes covers me -- does jacket beat Gregg? Never. Gregg always beats jacket. Paper, quit masquerading as a winner. At the end of the day, rock cuts like a knife. Just ask scissors. He's a fucking mess.

Tic Tac No

Tic Tac Toe. XXOO my ass. Has anyone lost this game since age 3? If so, write me -- I want to know. This “game” needs to go away. Much like curling. It’s not fun -- it’s beneath me. Know what would be more interesting? Developing a nervous tic and stepping on a tack with my toe. Better than staring into the depths of nine empty boxes -- with no real hope for an outcome. And none of this cats bullshit. How does something with such fierce competition not have more of an international following, you ask? Good question. Because nobody ever wins. That’s why.