Baby Fat

Isn’t smoking supposed to thin you up a bit? When I stumbled across this video of a two-year-old Sumatran, I was appalled by its contents. How is it that a toddler who reportedly throws down two packs a day -- still tips the scales at “too much?” He’s addicted to smoking, he's put the work in, yet still retains all that excess milk fat. It’s just not fair -- he’s earned a little weight loss. Not that his clueless parents ever take notice. This kid’s dad says, "He looks pretty healthy to me. I don't see the problem." Hasn’t he watched the video? His son has breasts. He might need a bra before he’s out of diapers. I know why this video is so viral: It totally debunks the cigarette-as-diet-method myth. Oh, by the way, can someone tell me why this kid's smoking?

Bad Call

You know the guy who calls everyone he knows while attending a major sporting event? Here's the thing: Not a fan. I know it can get lonely in a stadium with 50,000 people. And I know meeting upstairs is out of the question. But drunk dialing with runners on first and third and nobody out? It makes me want to bitch slap you with my big puffy finger.

Something's Fishy

Fish in a jar? Really, gefilte fish? You’re the laughing stock of the ethnic food world. Do you even come from the sea? I’ve never heard a fisherman boast of his catch by saying: “Gee, Sal, the gefiltes are really biting today.” The one who’s not biting? Me. Even fasting rarely leads to your consumption. You wonder why no one consumes you outside of Jewish holidays? Because when someone has to lather you up in horseradish to make you palatable, you've got issues. And that gelatinous afterbirth you’re packed in? “Jelled Broth?” I mean, seriously, haven’t the Jews been persecuted enough?

Tic Tac No

Tic Tac Toe. XXOO my ass. Has anyone lost this game since age 3? If so, write me -- I want to know. This “game” needs to go away. Much like curling. It’s not fun -- it’s beneath me. Know what would be more interesting? Developing a nervous tic and stepping on a tack with my toe. Better than staring into the depths of nine empty boxes -- with no real hope for an outcome. And none of this cats bullshit. How does something with such fierce competition not have more of an international following, you ask? Good question. Because nobody ever wins. That’s why.

Chicken Belittle

You’re “running around like a chicken with its head cut off?” Really? Sorry to hear you’re so busy, but must you decapitate poultry to make your point? Just asking because this is an image that won’t be shook by late stage Alzheimer’s. I know you’re overwhelmed by your massive “to do” list, but I’d prefer not to have this fowl image ricocheting throughout my brain. Here’s an idea: Plan your week better and maybe together, we can spare a few lives. (Same goes for “beating a dead horse.” Just leave the carcass alone.)